THE CLIMB: JUST HANG ON

Going into the last week of being here and I get this overwhelming feeling of just hang on.

That's it. That's the whole instruction. Just hang on.

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I. The Call

I feel like I've been here 500 million times before.

It's the weight that I carry. It's the heaviness in my heart and my body. My internal parts know this place very well. My ego knows this place very well. It's not new ground for me.

The destination is different. The path I'm following is definitely different. But this particular juncture — I know. I can play it out in my head in so many different ways.

And what I get from all of it is thoughts and stories running through the mind of why it's not going to work or why I'm not the person to do this or maybe I should be doing something else or another direction comes in that takes precedence and I just need to hang on.

And sometimes that's enough.

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II. The Fracture

I always like to say oh there's a lot to do. I got a lot to do.

I do. But I just have things to do. I don't have to put “a lot” on it. There's always going to be a lot to do. There's always going to be something to do. To put more weight on it than it needs to be is just pressure and anxiety that is not needed.

I have things to do. Simply that.

I don't need to start something new. I don't need to take another direction. I don't need to worry about anything other than what's in front of me right now. The non-negotiables. Get up early. Do the meditations. Do the journaling. Pack what needs to be packed. Do what needs to be done. Get through each day the way it needs to be gotten through.

What do I do today to clear the path for the feelings and emotions inside of me to simply be what they need to be. That's all I need to worry about. What's in front of me. Just do it. Keep doing that.

That is what hanging on looks like from the inside.

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III. The Forge

I recognize the thing that's inside of me right now. The feeling of anxiety and nerves and fear and pressure and just everything building up.

And this is normally where I would explode in one way or the other.

I'd numb or I'd get angry or I'd chase or I'd buy a bunch of different stuff or I'd do so many different things to do anything other than sit with that feeling.

But I just need to be curious. Let it sit. Don't overevaluate. Don't judge. Let my heart figure it out. Just let it sit there and let it be.

Everything comes out when it needs to come out. All the lessons I need will come as long as I simply start marching and start moving and keep doing that. That is how I deal with what's inside.

It depends on which part of me you're talking to. If you're talking to me myself — I know this is what I need to do. I know I can do it. And it is exciting. And then if you talk to the ego or some of the scared parts of me that are talking through it — there's doubt, there's stay safe, why are you doing this, it's not going to work, you're not the one. There's all these things that go through the body and the mind.

And that's where I just need to hang on.

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IV. The Collapse

There's a quote and I forget exactly who said it first but it goes something like this — success is sometimes simply hanging on when others would let go.

And I'm not looking at others as in other people right now. I'm just looking at others as in other versions of me.

I would 100% let go of this dream and run or chase something else or use it to go do something completely different and not follow through. There would be some story that I would build or tell or make up as to why I'm changing my direction or why I'm not going at all. And I know that version. All my family and friends would say hey don't worry about it, you tried, it just wasn't the right timing — they'd make excuses for me and I would just fall right back into the same old life.

I know that version.

And I just need to hang on.

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V. The Return

Every jump. Every leap. Every change prior to this was either extremely unplanned or a run or a chase away from a situation that I didn't want to be in.

And this is different. Because I'm choosing this. This is what's best for me and my soul and my heart and where I want to go. And at the same time — completely foreign. This is one of the first of many and I just don't know how to handle it or get through it. I have no history of it.

And that's okay.

I'm learning. I'm working on being patient. Working on letting things evolve the way they need to. Making sure I do everything I need to do. Controlling the things I can control. Doing the best that I can and getting through it.

Because there's a deep part of me that knows once I get in that car and once we're out — things are going to start changing inside.

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VI. The Walk

So I just need to hang on.

Stick with the non-negotiables. Get up early. Do the meditations. Do the journaling. Do what's in front of me today and every day until the day I pull out. Not a lot to do. Just things to do. Get through each one. Don't pick up something new. Don't chase a different direction. Don't let the emotion of it sweep me somewhere I don't need to go.

Just hang on.

Because the version of me that would let go right now — I know him. I've been him. And right now the only thing standing between that version and this one is the decision to not let go.

So I don't.

That is the hang on.

That is the climb.