Going into the last week of being here and I get this overwhelming feeling of just hang on. That's it. That's the whole instruction. Just hang on.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to do and be whatever that situation calls for in my mind. Take meditation. I put weight on it to get to a certain place. It should have visions. It should have clarity. It should have all the lessons and teachings and spirituality. And if I'm not getting there I get restless in it. That's the weight. And I carry it everywhere.

I've not been in this place maybe ever. Not the loud noisy mornings where I have to stop and sit and be like okay who's hurting who's loud who needs attention. Not the super deep conversations with God that leave me sitting in the chair wondering what I was just given. This was neither of those. It just was. And that was uncomfortable. That was foreign. And I had no idea what to do with it.

On June 10th, 1990, I walked into a treatment center in Salina, Kansas and spoke the truth about what happened for the first time in my life. On June 10th, 2026, I walked into my boss's office and gave my resignation. I didn't plan either of those dates.

I reflect back to when I was 19 years old and I made the decision to go to treatment. I told my mom I needed a couple of weeks. Whether it was something deeper inside me saying I need to let go of people, or the fear of I'm changing — who am I going to be when I get out — I have no idea what the truth is behind that. Probably a combination of all of it. I'm getting emotional just saying it. Which tells me I'm talking about the right thing. Because that is very similar to righ

The candle burned out this week. I knew it was coming. I had been watching it every morning for thirteen days — one candle left from the last ceremony, burning down a little more each time I sat down to meditate. Every morning I would look at it and wonder: is today the day? And every morning it was still lit. Then one morning I opened my eyes and it was out.

Halfway home from something beautiful and dark, something came out of my mouth that I hadn't planned to say. I knew I needed to have a conversation with her. But about halfway home, something else came out. Something I hadn't planned.

The body knows before the mind does. This week I learned that in a way I will not forget. Not through a vision or a message or a ceremony. Through a taste. A foul taste coming out of my mouth during meditation — almost like a cleansing — my body registering something my mind had been managing for a long time.