The Climb Continues: Learning to Live Without Control

Opening — Fear and What Cannot Be Controlled

Lots of fear this morning. I'm going to OKC. My purpose is to be present for the kids, to be consistent and going, asking them to join me for a visit if they want. They have not responded yet. Big Daddy and Coach are loud this morning. The fear is that we have lost them forever, that they will never be part of our lives again.

First, this may be true for one, two, or all of them. I do get to see one of them from time to time, mainly because of family connection. They allow this. It isn't a lot or consistent. They do let me; that is a win.

I have no control over any of them. Living without control is heavy in me, but all I can do is continue to show up no matter if they do or not. That is the fear. That is not the reality.

I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if any of them will want me in their lives, nor do I have any control over this. All I have is what is.

I hurt them for a very long time. Chances were given, and I let them down. They do not have trust in me or me changing. They love me, I know this. I do believe they want better for me. I know they are scared of what I am doing. They expressed this. They don't want their stories in public.

It will take time. It will take consistency. It will take proof.

They, just like my parts, will need to see this is not just another attempt or another image of healing, that I am dedicated to this, that I am truly in this to get better and not just fool people and put up the image of growth.

This is one of my core fears: the unknowing of them coming back to me.

I have to believe in my work, have faith, and know that even if they don't or if they partially come back, that what I am doing will help them, allow them to heal, allow them to let go of any burdens they hold on to, that I am not just doing this for myself.

This is for them as well.

The Work — No More Patching

I am building an unbeatable spirit, a human that can withstand, not perfect, not without pain and suffering, a being designed to withstand it all: go through the fires, live through the pains of life, walk through the despair.

The light inside me is my anchor; it is brighter than any darkness of life. It will guide me, it will lead me through the struggles. It may get harder to see, it may be covered at times, though it will prevail.

It will find the crack it needs to shine its grace upon me.

If I want it, I will get it. The path may change, the doors I walk through may change, the endpoint will remain.

What I seek in life is already mine; it lives within me, it always has.

The road has been cluttered, damaged, undrivable.

It takes work to repair this road. Construction cement to fill the damage. It takes work, commitment, intention.

Through the years I have patched it. I have covered the holes. I have created detours to get around.

I have never done Full Construction.

Close the road to do Full Repair.

Not covered. Not detour. Not patch.

Full Repair.

This may mean that parts are completely removed. New roads built to take their place.

The roads you travel to get here do not have to continue in your journey. Sometimes roads end; another must be taken to finish the trip.

This is where I am.

I am building not only the roads ahead; I am repairing the roads that got me here, building connectors from them to the roads ahead.

I repair the past to learn how to repair the road ahead when it gets damaged. I repair to build that muscle.

You are not built from pain, fear, and suffering; you are built from the healing, from learning how to repair yourself.

It is now more than a destination; it is a purpose. It is the path lived.

The destination is death. That is when your path on this Earth ends—not in money, not in fame, not in rewards.

Those are the pleasures given from living the life.

Find the joy in the build; then you will find the joy within.

The Shift — Love or Ego

To be my best self, to be who I truly am, to reach the top of my mountain, I must love myself.

I must live in this love, see myself through this love, see life through this love; then, I will live in love.

This became clear to me this morning.

I was shown my gift. I was shown how my gift is given to others, how much my gift benefits others, though it must begin in and with me.

I am no good to anyone until I am good to myself.

My ego knows how to use my gift.

When I allow life to be seen and led through the ego, it becomes manipulative, used to gain trust and love for self-preservation, selfishly, without regard to who it hurts.

This is the ego using the gift as dark magic.

I now see what I can be for others and myself when led by love and light.

It is pure. It has a purpose greater than self.

When I am aligned in love, I bring peace within. I show others who they can be.

I am a Healer.

I know the “what.”

Now I move to seek the “how.”

The Peak — Surrender

Fricking wow. (I did say it differently originally, but this one’s for Mom.)

It is all in front of me. It is mine.

Everything I want, everything I desire, it is all mine.

It is all within my reach. I can see it, I can feel it. It is within me.

I cannot explain what is pulsating through my veins.

My body is no longer in my control—my mind, my heart, my being is in complete control of another world.

I am not in control, yet I have total peace.

I have everything I need. I am whole. There is nothing I lack.

I am free.

I am unstoppable.

I am unbeatable.

For the first time, I had no control over my being.

There was nothing, yet there was everything.

I was under total surrender.

I was not living of this world; I was living within my soul.

No pain. No fear.

I AM FREE.

The Return — Ordinary Days

Some days are what they are.

You don't have control over the good or the bad ones; you simply walk as they appear, do your best, and understand that there is a lesson in everything.

Give what you have.

It may not be as much as yesterday, it may be more, but that is not yours to control or judge.

Sometimes it just isn't your best.

Sometimes it is survival.

Sometimes it just is.

You cannot force what is not.

The Realization — The Illusion

Learning how to live, how to exist.

What does living as me look like?

I have lived to appear. I have lived to be an image.

I didn't want to appear as a lesser person. I wanted to appear perfect.

Was that for the world or for me?

I truly believe it was for me.

Self-reinforcement and external validation.

Both stories built to fit the created narrative.

This is The Human Condition.

I lived in this illusion. I created this illusion.

This is why the ego has such resistance to growth.

What is life if we do not know what life is?

The ego says:

“I don’t know what life is, so I’ll create it.”

True self says:

“Walk and life will appear.”

Which you allow, which you follow, which you listen to, will dictate your existence.

Faith or Fury.

The choice is yours.

Closing — The Climb

I choose to live.

I choose to seek and find life, live unburdened of results, of destination.

I choose to allow what comes.

I choose to walk my path in faith.

That is courage.

That is freedom.

That is living.

Final Line

It’s up to me.

No one will do this work for me.

The climb continues.